I suck at relationships. There’s absolutely no doubt about it. I’ve always had a hard time in my life maintaining friendships or having relationships with people. This includes people in my family. I’ve been that person that cuts you from my life the second I feel threatened. It’s a coping mechanism that I’ve learned from an early age. I can’t pinpoint the culprit that taught me such a coping mechanism. Maybe it was from watching my parents cut people from their lives or maybe it was from the abusive relationships I endured with various boyfriends in my past. Regardless, cutting people from my life is no secret. Those that love me know that when I feel threatened, I run.
I’ve realized that cutting people from my life doesn’t mean I hate them, it simply means, I respect me. -Simple Reminders
What I’m slowly learning over time is that it’s ok to cut people from your life. Something I thought was a horrible characteristic of my personality is becoming something that keeps me sane. Being particular about the types of relationships I have in my life doesn’t make me a bad person. It simply means I respect me. For too long I’ve pushed my mental health and well being to the side. For too long I’ve piled anyone else’s drama on my shoulders and attempted to make the situation better. For too long I’ve put everyone else’s mental health ahead of my own. I’m done. Now is the time for me.
Over the last 6 months, I’ve turned a new leaf and started to focus on my own well being. I’ve begun my own fitness journey, not only for my physical health, but for my mental health as well. Fitness has provided me with the opportunity to take an hour each day to focus on myself. Fitness isn’t about running on the elliptical, practicing yoga, or lifting some weights for me. It’s about dedicating an entire hour everyday to focus on me. It’s about leaving my husband and children upstairs, creating an intent, and just doing it. Since I started taking this time for myself, I’ve noticed so many changes in my life. I’m less impulsive. I’m more focused. I’m able to process my thoughts and not merely react suddenly. I’ve learned not to take on other people’s drama. I’ve learned not to focus on drama. I’ve learned to be patient and kind.
On November 15, I had my first falling out with my mother since we reconciled. To me, I thought the argument was absolutely absurd and fueled with unnecessary drama. But in that moment, I let it get to me. I allowed myself to fall back into old habits and be the drama filled immature person I was in the past. I allowed my guard to come down and for the argument to control me. I was impulsive. I was violent. I was mean. Since then, I’ve realized enough is enough. I can’t keep heading down this dark path where I’m not respected or that I’m manipulated into old habits. I’ve worked so hard in the last year to fight those demons only for them to resurface in the blink of an eye. It’s time for me to do some severe inner thinking and really decide what’s best for me.
I’ve realized in the last month or so, there has been countless efforts from others to toss drama in my direction. People attempting to pull me into their immature ways of handling life. People attempting to lure me to fight their battles instead of my own. In the past, I would have handled these attempts much differently. I would have been that crazy girl in the middle stirring up more shit and cutting people with my words. I would have been that social media freak that constantly gets into arguments on Facebook. I would have been that “look at me, look at me” kinda girl. But not this time. That argument has taught me not to throw away any more hard work. This time it’s about taking care of me. This time it’s about not letting someone’s need to be the victim get to me. This time it’s about taking the high road. This time it’s about holding my head up high, learning to grow, and making the decisions that are best for me.
You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.
The most important piece of the puzzle I’ve learned is that I don’t always have to run when I feel threatened. I can choose to keep people at a distance. Since the argument with my mother, I’ve learned our relationship is best suited at a distance. Setting firm boundaries and learning my limits doesn’t make the relationship a bad one. I’ve learned that it’s ok for me to cut people from my life, but it’s also ok to be distant. I don’t have to be the best friend, the best daughter, the best sister, or the best mom all day, every day. I’m allowed to take a break from any relationship, and that doesn’t mean I’m running nor does it define the relationship as a “bad” one.
Keeping people at a distance or even making the decision to cut people from my life doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me a person that respects the hard work and dedication I put into my mental health every single day. It makes me smart. It makes me sane. It makes it certain that I don’t add to the negativity of the world. The world is already full of hate. The world is full of drama. The world is already full of so much sadness. So I’ll continue to fill my part of the world with love… with patience… with kindness… I’ll continue to fill the world with less drama… and more zen. I’ll continue to love myself for who I am, and not give two shits about what anyone else thinks. I’ll continue to open my heart to those around me while continuing to protect it from harm. I’ll continue to grow and learn.. and I’ll continue to make my mental health my number one priority. After all, my doctor always tells me, if I can’t take care of myself, I’ll never be able to take care of those surrounding me.